I can text with my tongue
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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