Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
