My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
