My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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