It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
