I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It was a blind-side dick pic.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
