Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize