dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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