When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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