She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
