these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
