If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
