I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize