see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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