I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
