I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
