chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize