My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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