Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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