you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
