you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize