she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
he puts the penis in happiness.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
