I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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