So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
