I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize