i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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