Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
