If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
false alarm. still invincible.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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