Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
