When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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