my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Is that strawberry winking at me??
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
