my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize