Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
