I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize