just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
