There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
