Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
