He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
