Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
