he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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