totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I am naked and annoyed.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
