you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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