he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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