there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We left the knife in your bed.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize