They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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