Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
