he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
