Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
