How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize