She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
