my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
