the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
