he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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