I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
