my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
