sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
