someone threw a dead crab at me
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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