im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
