you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
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