My Higher Power is John Stamos
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
