My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
