I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
