he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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