i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
