Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
